Follow by Email

Sunday, 12 April 2015

Does your wife expect you to be a mind-reader?

Daf Yomi Kesubos 65


Dave and Barbara were having marriage problems.
“He never gets things right,” said Barbara.
“Seriously?” responded Dave, “Everything you ask me to do, I do, don’t I?”
“That’s true,” replied Barbara, “but why must I tell you what to do?  Why can’t you just do it without me asking?”
“See, Rabbi!” Dave said as he turned to me, “she expects me to read her mind!  She wants me to be psychic or something.  Isn’t that crazy?”

One cup of wine is proper for a woman.  Two is dishonourable.  Three cups cause her to explicitly ask for her husband’s intimacy.   Four cause her to ask a fool in the street without thinking.  Rava clarifies: That is only when her husband is absent; but when her husband is present, there is no concern.

A husband must be so in tune with his wife’s needs and wants that she doesn’t need to tell him.   Under ordinary circumstances, he should serve her without her asking or saying anything.  The fact that she asks him to satisfy her because she’s had too much to drink is worse than dishonourable.   His lack of sensitivity and awareness have pushed her to turn to foreign stimulants so that she can get what she wants and needs from her husband.  And certainly, if he’s still not listening, they run the risk of her looking outside the marriage.  Nevertheless, the Talmud notes that only if he is absent will she look elsewhere, but if he is present, even if he is not as aware as he should be, she will not wander. 

Women don’t need to be told to be in tune with their husband’s needs and wants – their natural intuition and nurturing nature cause them to be constantly aware.  But for men, this trait doesn’t come naturally, so much so that men wonder why their wives expect them to know.  Your job as a husband is train yourself to be in tune with your wife’s needs and wants.  It’s not easy, it’s not natural for males, but it’s key to a successful marriage.  The way to get there is to constantly keep your wife at the forefront of your mind.   Every other thought you should be asking yourself, ‘What could I do now to make my wife happy?’

One way to tune in to your wife’s needs and wants is simply to stay in touch throughout the day.  You might go through a day hardly thinking about your spouse.  How about you touch base every time you conclude an event or appointment in your schedule?   That’s a great start to making her feel that she is your number one priority, the number one thought on your mind!


As a husband or a wife, you must be so dedicated and bound to your spouse that you can fulfill their every need and want even without their asking.  May you merit devoting your life to your spouse, becoming one with him or her and making them the happiest person on earth!