Daf Yomi Nedarim 84
A colleague told me about a funeral he did for a man who was
incredibly beloved in the community. He was
always there to help anyone in need. You
could call this fellow any time of day or night and he was always
available. You should have heard the amazing
stories they told at the funeral. Here
was a man that people considered almost an angel, such was his self-sacrifice
for others.
But as each ensuing eulogizer arose to tell of the deceased’s
selfless life, my friend watched as the family sat in the front row
stone-faced. You see, while he was unbelievably
beneficent to everyone else, he hardly had any time left in his life for his
poor wife and children.
Mishnah: If a woman
declared, ‘I vow to abstain from all
human beings,’ her husband cannot revoke the vow and she may take of the
leket, shikcha and peah (the farmer’s tithes for the poor).
Gemara: The fact that
the husband cannot revoke the vow demonstrates that she may continue to receive
sustenance from him. The implication is
that he is not included in her stipulation ‘all human beings.’
Rava asked Rav
Nachman: Is the husband then not a human
being?
Some people are the epitome of charm and friendliness with
everyone they meet, from their colleagues to their neighbours to
strangers. They have all the time in the
world for them. But then they get home
and give their loved ones short-shrift.
Listen to the wise words of Rava: Is your husband then not a
human being? Is your wife not a human
being? Are your children not human
beings? Are your parents and siblings
not human beings? You have so much time
and respect for everyone else who are mere human beings, but those close to you
get the short end of the stick?! Are
they not human enough for you?
Actually, the word employed by the Mishnah to describe every
other human being is briyos –
creatures. In Ethics of the Fathers, Hillel teaches that Aaron the High Priest
loved briyos and brought them close
to the Torah. Our Sages explain that he
loved human beings for the mere fact that they were creatures/creations of the
Almighty. They may have had no other
redeeming quality other than being the handiwork of Heaven. That was sufficient reason for Aaron to love
them. And when you love a stranger that should
likewise be your motivation.
But your loved ones, of course, are not strangers. They’re more than mere briyos. Why do you sometimes
find it hard to avoid stressing out at them?
You would never react that way to a stranger. And yet your spouse and children, whom you
are meant to love more than anyone else in the world, you seem to lose your
patience with! Why is that?
The answer is that your connection, your bond, to them runs
much deeper than the briyos connection. You have a soul-connection with them. A cohen may not attend a funeral, other than
that of his seven closest relatives: father, mother, son, daughter, sister,
brother, spouse. Your bond with these seven is beyond the
physical. It is a deeply spiritual
connection. That’s why an inexplicable tension
exists between you and them that is utterly different to your relationship with
anyone else in the world.
But the deeper, more spiritual the bond, the more that is at
stake. And that’s why the challenge of
maintaining and growing those relationships are so fraught with tension. They are extremely powerful Heavenly
relationships. You have a soul-bond with
them. They are not just briyos.
You must work especially hard and devotedly to achieve your destiny
on earth with them the same way your spiritual destinies are intertwined.
Your loved ones are not human. They are so much more than that to you. May you merit fusing Heaven and earth so that
you reveal the deep spiritual bonds that exist between you and your top seven!
