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Sunday, 13 March 2016

Waiting patiently for your basherte

Daf Yomi Kiddushin 2


Adam had been in the Garden of Eden for some time, and he was starting to get a little lonely.
So, he goes to Hashem and says, "This garden is nice, but I'm lonely.  Is there anyone you can send to keep me company?"
The Almighty answers, "I have the perfect person. She will help you with everything.  She'll be a great companion and friend; she’ll take care of your every need: keeping a tidy home, preparing your meals, bearing your children. She will never complain.  She will always brighten your day.  And at the end of a long hard day’s work, you can expect a daily massage.  She really is perfect in every way!"
Adam says, "That sounds amazing! How soon can you send her?"
Hashem replies, "I can send her right away, but there is one thing . . . it's going to cost you an arm and a leg to get her!"
Adam thinks for a moment, and then says, "What can I get for a rib?"

Rabbi Shimon taught: Why does the Torah state, “When a man takes a wife in marriage?” Because the way of a man is to pursue a woman; and it is not the way of a woman to pursue a man.  It may be likened to a person who lost an item.  Who looks for who?  The owner looks for his lost item!
Rashi explains: The lost item is his rib! 

One of the major crises of our generation is that fewer and fewer people are getting married.  There is a host of reasons for the crisis, but a major cause is that we live in a very confused world today where traditional gender roles are disparaged.  As a result, nobody knows what to do anymore.  And so, men have forsaken their duty to pursue women in marriage.

But when you reject the traditional rules of engagement, everything gets muddled.  Who pays for a date?  Who picks up whom?  Who opens the car door?  Who makes the effort in the first place?

Rabbi Shimon makes it clear that in our tradition, the man must pursue his wife the way he would look for a lost item.  Imagine you lost a diamond ring.  What would you do?  You would stop at nothing until you found it!  Sadly today, many young people sit around, telling themselves, ‘It’ll happen when it happens!’ 

It doesn’t work like that!  You must make an effort to find your basherte!  Whether you are the young man seeking your lost rib or you are the young lady seeking to be reunited with your other half, you can’t just sit around waiting for things to happen!

Of course, according to the Gemara, the primary effort is the man’s to make; but if you are a woman, you need to make yourself findable!  That means being in touch regularly with the shadchan, attending singles events and so on.  It doesn’t just happen – finding a lost item takes incredible, non-stop effort!


Some things in life require patience.  Finding your basherte isn't one of them.  You need to be vigilant and never stop looking!

Your other half is out there.  Never lose hope that you will find them.  As long as you are dedicated to seeking your lost half, they will be found.  May you merit finding them immediately!